Wow, the past few days have been interesting.

It all started with a phone call actually. And some cutting.

After my last entry I cut, and I cut myself severly. Of course no one knows how badly I cut myself, but I can't walk very well do to how much it hurts. So that night, when I finally got my mom home - that's why I cut in the first place, I couldn't reach my mom and I was upset - I told her what I had done and she started to spaz. And she spazzed, and spazzed, so finally, the next day I told her I'd go to the Halifax House, a rehab center not far from here... bad idea...
That night Mary came over from the crisis center and interviewed me. It turned out that I was ok to go to the Halifax house, but as I packed my things to leave I began to cry. I didn't want to go. I did it only for my mom, so that she wouldn't bother me anymore. So that she wouldn't pester me about what I did, and so that she'd trust me. I got online and imed Adam, but he was away. I just didn't want to go, but I knew now that I had to.
I asked my mom to bring me home the entire ride there. She wouldn't let Wes turn around. I was so dissapointed, I didn't want to go. But I was. I got there and there were three other kids there. A girl and two boys. The lady was nice when she checked me in, but they took everything I had except for my clothes and locked them up. I had to ask to use my pencils or markers. It was so sad. I had a tiny room upstairs that had nothing but my clothes in it. I said my goodbyes there and cried and begged to go home. I didn't want to be there, I didn't want to have to do this. But I was being made to. Finally they were gone and I went to bed. I spent all night listening to whoever was outside my door, because someone always had to be watching us, and coughing heavily due to the cold I still haven't shaken.
The next morning was awful too. A new woman came in and knocked on my door to bring me downstairs. I showered and then was escorted upstairs to drop off my clothes in the dirty hamper, because you never know what I might do to myself while putting my clothes in the hamper. We did "group activities" which really just meant telling everyone how awful you were feeling and what you were doing, making yourself uncomfortable talking to everyone you really don't know. "Nicole, you don't have to tell anyone the reason you're here" and then the next thing I know, I'm asked in a group meeting why I cut. How does that work? If I don't want anyone else to know than how is this group therapy shit, or these stupid dykes telling everyone gonna stop it? They really don't let you keep things secret.
My mom came that afternoon to drop of more clothes, because she wanted me to stay, and I started crying again. Trish called her supervisor and said I had to stay until the next day, but when the night staff came in, they didn't care if I left, and so the first thing I did was call mom to go home. She came and got me of course, and here I am. I'm so glad I am finally home. I came home and went right to bed. It was so wonderful, I slept great last night.

********************************

So this morning my mom comes into my room and calls Ashley:

"You girls know how much I love you"

??? yeah...

"How would you like a little brother or sister? I'm only 36 and I've always wanted another child..."

My mom is going to see if her operation to stop her from having kids can be reversed so that she can have another child with Wes Carver. Wes Carver My half-brother or sister is going to be a Carver. The idea of a sibling isn't so bad, regardless of the fact that it'll be 17 1/2 years younger than me, but a Carver??? I just don't know. I don't want to be associated with that name, and I don't want to be connected with it through any blood relation. Which is gonna happen. I don't want it to be ugly, and I don't want it to be stupid. I just don't know if it's a good idea. Although we will be getting a bigger house of course, but I'll be gone to college and unable to enjoy the larger space anyway. I just don't know. Whatever she wants I guess...

*******************************

Things are better now. Even though my mom is still kinda flippy about everything. And I still greatly miss Jessica. I LOVE YOU JESS! She comes home tomorrow! I can't wait. :-)

<��||��>

� PAST MEMORIES
RIP Bryan - Wednesday, Aug. 20, 2003
I'm being stalked again! - Tuesday, Aug. 19, 2003
I'm back. - Monday, Aug. 18, 2003
Gail, the bitch. - Monday, Aug. 18, 2003
Rahhhhh!!!!!!!!! - Sunday, Aug. 17, 2003