I'm sad. Very very sad. My mom asked me to make a list of reasons why I am feeling the way I am, why I cut myself, and how I am going to stop it. I would be happy to make this list, I'm sure it would help me feel better, but I'm not going to give it to her.

Why am I sad?
First off, I feel as though I have no friends. I need people to live off of, so I can't just be happy being alone. Kara made a list in her diary of people who she cared about. I wasn't on it. It was quite small, but I still thought I deserved a place. Then Justine imed me and I found out she had sort of the same problem. It's hard knowing who your friends are and who your enemies are. If everyone made a list of their friends, whose would I be on? Would everyone on my list have me on theirs? It's hard to tell. I know there are a lot of people I hold dear that wouldn't think twice about me when they made their list. That's what upsets me. I can't really think of anyone [[aside from Jessica, of course]] who would add me. Well, I also know Justine would, because we discussed it, but that's besides the point. No one ever talks to me, I never get any calls, and occasionally I get an im. When someone is bored and has nothing better to do. But that's it. No one really cares about Nicole. She's a loser.
Secondly, Jessica, the most amazing human being alive is in Florida. That leaves me here on my own. My only friend, and the best friend in the world, is on the other side of country. I miss her tons and I just don't know what to do with myself. Sitting here alone is not making me any better. Hearing that she's doing bad is not making me any better. I miss her so much and I feel like I'm only half here because the rest of me is with her in Florida.
I can never do anything right. My mom does nothing but yell at me. It annoys me how she only has negative things to say and hollers even when she says she's not.
"Nicole! What is wrong with you?!"
"Stop yelling"
"I'm not yelling!!" She can't be calm and loving, it's like she just doesn't have those emotions.
I absolutly hate Wes. I hate him with a passion. [[My mom's new boyfriend]] I mean, he's a carver [[gross family]] He's totally the opposite of Rod and I just can't deal. Rod is my ex-stepfather. My mom is the bitch who made me live with him for years and years, she's the one who allowed him to abuse me mentally and physically, and she's the one who made me follow his rules. I'm so used to "Rod's way". He was strict about everything, and listening to Wes at 4:30 in the morning because he hasn't the common sense to shut my door, or waking me up on a weekend because his stupid annoying kids are in my room, or stepping on a tic in the kitchen and then wiping his shoe off on the radiator, I JUST CAN'T FUCKING DEAL WITH IT! It's rude and he's stupid - completly lacking common sense, he can't even talk to me like a human being. He's just fucking stupid.

So ... that's why I'm upset. Why do I cut myself? Simply because it helps take away the pain. It feels great, watching the blood pour down my legs is a sensational feeling. I don't care how sick it is. It makes me feel good. It makes me feel in control.

I can stop it whenever I want to. The truth is, I don't want to. Maybe if I was feeling a little better I'd stop, but I don't see any of these things fixing themselves anytime soon.

Of course JESSICA WILL BE HOME SUNDAY! ONLY A COUPLE MORE DAYS!

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