I am such a loser. My only friends are on the opposite ends of the world from me. Well, not totally, but Mississippi and Florida are quite a ways away from Maine. Josh is doing his time in the Army National Gaurd, and Jessica is vacationing in Florida. Josh won't be home until April and Jess won't be home until next Sunday. �sigh�

Josh just called me. But I was online so he left me a message saying he'd call back later. I'm not online right now.. just sitting here typing and waiting for him to call back.

Jessica and I just got off the phone. I told her to ask her mom if she could come home. Unfortunetly she said no. I'm going to ask my mom if she'll buy me a plane ticket down.. lol, yeah right.
I continue to cut myself. I am the stupidest person I know. Oh well, I just want things to be better and until Josh and Jess get back it's just not going to happen. Maybe if I tell my mom going to Florida is the only way for me to feel better she'll let me go. I totally doubt she'll let me, but I can try, right? I just want to be with Jess, she's my only friend and I hate being here with these people. They totally piss me off. I wouldn't hurt myself if I was with Jessica in Florida!

Nigel, Adam, and probably Crystal, Josh, Kristen, Javier, Rob, Staci, and Ben, my "friends" are all going to the movies. But no, I'm not invited, because I'm just a stupid fuck who nobody wants to be around. I'm some loser girl who no one remembers, hell, even when they do remember the fact that I exist, they don't care! No one wants me around. Josh [[M]] and Jessica are the only friends I have.

�sigh�

My kids are going to be perfect. They're not going to be the stupid bratty kind that ask lots of questions and stand behind you all the time, reading what you're writing and listening to what you're saying. They're not going to be the kind that cry when you can't hold their hand or make lots of noise and can't stay still. My kids are going to be perfect. They're going to listen to what I have to say, and then do what I tell them to. They won't speak until spoken to, they ask meaningless questions until you want to strangle them or run around hollering because they didn't get their way. Maybe I've repeated some habits but that's only because of how fucking annoying they are. Kids are stupid - they need to learn boundries and stay within them. I'm going to let my kids try things, learn from their mistakes, but at the same time they have to obey me when I say something. I'm not a stickler for rules, I just get pissed off when I say no and those stupid kids don't listen and then end up breaking something. Why can't all kids be like Mikayla? She's perfect. The other two, I wish they'd fucking drop dead because I'm so fucking sick of them.

Josh... Please call, please... call me... call me now... please... call...

I'm going to continue waiting for Josh's call. Because that's the only thing I can count on.

Nico

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� PAST MEMORIES
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