Hmmm. I made a diary for Jessica last night. I'm so proud. She finally left freeopendiary. I hate freeopendiary! It's crap. I'm thinking about updating to gold though. Because I would just like the freedom it would bring. That and this diary is sort of becoming my life. It's the only thing that listens to me and doesn't judge.

I'm really fucking up in school. I haven't been to an ODay in weeks. I need to stop messing around and get caught up before midterms. And I'm dropping Chemistry, because I hate science and I'm failing it horribly. Last night I went to Panera Bread with Jessica. I love Panera Bread... their broccoli cheddar soup is my absolute fave. I have nothing for breakfast this morning.. so I'm not going to eat.

I'm listening to the Hives. They're my fave. And coloring some fish looking person I drew. Lol, I'm so bored. My pills make me really hungry, dizzy, and tired. We're gonna see about changing to an anti-depressant that will wake me up instead of making me tired. I'm looking forward to that actually. I'll end up staying up later so I'll have more time to do everything I want to, and I won't spend my extra time crying. What pisses me off is that I have to wait 1 to 3 weeks for them to start making me feel better.

I finally told Crystal why I'm depressed, and how it's not over a boy. Just that I'm majorly depressed and not really sure why. She was shocked, and she talks to me a lot more - which pisses me off. Everyone talks to you more when they find out something's wrong. It's like, you have to want to kill yourself before you get friends. You have to say - look you're literally going to kill me with your ignoring me. And then they're like, oh she wants to commit suicide now, I can save a life just by talking to her. People are stupid - I know these people are just talking to me and wanting to hang out with me because of my problem, it doesn't make me feel better, it makes me feel worse. I had to go to such extremes to get friends, I don't even want their friendship now. I know, I'm a big baby who wants to get her way, but I don't care. They should have been with me from the start, then I wouldn't be depressed.

I think my biggest problem is Josh. Marsella. He's really the reason that I'm feeling as bad as I do. I want more than anything to trully have his friendship back - but I know I'll never get it. He means so much to me and I'm so sorry for what I did. I'm going to write to him today. That's my project for the day. That and English homework. So yeah - I'm off. Read thepeachtree's diary and I'll talk to you later.

Nico

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� PAST MEMORIES
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