I have something to say and I'm going to say it.

I am a screw up. I have never managed to do anything right, and once again, I'm just screwing things up. I hate my self. I always have and I always will. I think about suicide a lot. Kinda hypocritical, that I go around preaching to people not to harm themsleves, but I know what they are feeling, and I hate living. I hate being here, I hate everyone around me. I am so full of hate it isn't funny. And I walk around pretending that everything is fine, and that I'm ok, and I'm not. I'm just not. I have no friends. A real friend doesn't make fun of you and a real friend doesn't stop talking to you for no apparent reason, and a real friend is always there. I have no one like that, I am totally alone. I always have been. I don't know what I want, I can't decide. and even if I knew what I wanted, I couldn't get it, either it is too far out of my grasp, or it's right there and I screw up. I screw up everything, my whole fucking life is one big screw up. I want to be dead. I don't want to have to deal with everything around me. I always do something wrong, and I never know what it is I'm doing. I try to apologize and make things better and it never works. You can't imagine how many nights I've spent crying myself to sleep and wishing that I wouldn't wake up. I am having such an emotional break down, and I don't know how to deal with it. I don't want people trying to make me feel better. I hate people who think they are making a difference and all they are doing is fcking up everything even more. People like me. I hate myself and I don't know how I'm going to get through this but I will, and I'll do it on my own. I don't need anyone, I haven't needed anyone every other time something bad has happened. I've always gotten through it on my own, and I haven't killed myself yet, so I know I can get through this. I need to put myself in a positive position, and I'm not, all I'm doing is putting myself around people and things that will upset me. I need to reorganize my thoughts, and try to decide what's depressing me and what's making me better. Everyone around me depresses me, whether it's Lindsey telling me that I follow Josh, or Jill, telling me I'm psycho, or Josh, not talking to me- again. All these negative people, and I can't put up with it anymore. I need to escape, I need to get away. A permanent vacation maybe. I completely hate myself, my thoughts, actions, and emotions. Everything about me. I'm just one big fcking screw up. Maybe it will never get better. Josh once told me that friendship doesn't exist without trust, and honesty. I always knew that, and him not talking to me like this, without letting me know why, that's not being truthful. He once tried to start a fight because he said I wasn't being truthful with him, well look at him now, he's all pissed at me, and he won't talk to me, and I have no clue why he is shrugging me off like this. Him or Nate. It makes no sense. None at all. But, whatever. I don't need them to drag me down. I don't need anyone.

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