It's over, my life is over. I knew I was going too far yesterday, and I was. Josh emailed me this morning. He told me we shouldn't "hang out" anymore until I get the hint that he wants nothing more than a friendship. I can't get mad at him for that. I just want him so bad. He's a good guy, he's not a drunk low life, like every other guy that's ever been there for me, my great father, my unbelievable stepfather, all my past boyfriends, they were all drunks who treated me like shit; they were all controlling men who think they rule the world. And here's Josh, the only good guy in Gardiner Maine, and he wants nothing to do with me. But I can live with that. I just need a relationship. I'm on the other end of the spectrum from Josh. I need someone. And unfortunatly, Josh is the one I want, he's the one I need. Doesn't work, it just doesn't work. I wish he had just told me yesterday that he was uncomfortable with what I was doing, he said that he didn't want me to look dumb in front of everyone, but if he had just took me aside, I wouldn't have looked dumb in front of everyone, and I wouldn't feel so dumb now. He made just as bad a desicion yesterday by letting me do that as I did, doing it. When I'm at my happiest, it's because of him, and when I'm at my loneliest, it's also because of him, I know that the only man worth crying over would never make you cry, and I don't know if Josh is the exception to the rule, or if I need to open my eyes. Either way, I can't help but like him, he just seems so perfect. I wish he was. But if he is my perfect guy, we'd already be together, right? Or is his not wanting a relationship right now just a phase and I'm meant to hang on for the ride? I wish I knew, I wish he could make up his mind. I wish I had someone. Oh goodness, I just talked to him, he hates me, he really hates me. He tried to tell me I only like him for his body, and that is so untrue, he really means something to me, wow, I messed that up. Now what do I do?? I need help. I need to talk to him, but he won't listen. So stubborn.

PEACE

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� PAST MEMORIES
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Rahhhhh!!!!!!!!! - Sunday, Aug. 17, 2003