I had to do something last night. Because I couldn't be alone. Brad and Jimmy invited me over.. and I wasn't taking no for an answer. But of course mommy said no. I had taken 5-6 excedrin and was feeling a little, well, not myself. I took a blade I found earlier and cut myself.. again. I've done it before but not like last night. It was wonderful.. watching it bleed the way it did.. I am so fucked up. I cried.. my mom still said no. So I called her a whore and told her if I couldn't spend the night at Brad's house I'd kill myself, and it was her fault. She let me go. How did she know I was cutting myself? I don't know. I have yet to let her see my wrists. But I'm going to counseling soon which I find reassuring. I'll finally have someone to talk to. Last night was great though. Being with my friends from 6th, 7th, 8th grade. It was so wonderful to get away. I miss them. I miss having friends as wonderful as they once were. I hate myself incredibly and I couldn't get anymore depressed than I am now. There seems to be no way out. Jessica told me I am screaming for attention. She's so right. But no one's listening. It sometimes seems not worth it. No one really cares. No one.

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� PAST MEMORIES
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