I can�t do this anymore, I just can�t. Every time Josh touches me I feel small butterflies inside my stomach, these aren�t good butterflies either, just tiny reminders that I am head over heels for Nigel and it�s driving me insane. Not only am I dating someone else, but one of my good friends is in love with Nigel. I listen to her everyday� �Nigel this.. Nigel that.� and I feel guilty here as well because I say Katherine, go for him! Just tell him! When in all reality I�m thinking, please Katherine, don�t, I want him more than you can imagine. As for Josh, it just isn�t there anymore. Looking back on everything now, it wasn�t Josh that I was in love with, nor was it that I didn�t love him.. I don�t know, I just don�t know. HELL I�M ONLY 16!!! I was more wrapped up in the romance with Josh because finally someone liked me and it was nice having a boyfriend who listened and who cared, Josh was always so great to me and I loved it so much but I just can�t date him anymore. And I feel as though it�s an obligation, I feel as though I HAVE to date him or else everyone will get upset with me. How do I explain the break up to Allysa or Crystal or Stephanie or Rose or Katherine.. �Well, you see guys, I am in love with Katherine�s beau.� No, it doesn�t work that way and I can�t do that. I listen to Katherine everyday� �Woe is me, my life is so hard, I love Nigel and he doesn�t love me back.� When I�m sitting here everyday dreaming to break up with Josh, but in a way where we still can be friends and no one completely hates me for it, and then at least having a chance with Nigel without everyone hating me for doing that to Katherine. I really could care less whether or not Nigel and I hook up� [[well, that�s kind of a lie]], but I mean, it doesn�t matter as much as the fact that I feel so guilty when I�m with Josh. I hate myself, I hate myself so much.

<��||��>

� PAST MEMORIES
RIP Bryan - Wednesday, Aug. 20, 2003
I'm being stalked again! - Tuesday, Aug. 19, 2003
I'm back. - Monday, Aug. 18, 2003
Gail, the bitch. - Monday, Aug. 18, 2003
Rahhhhh!!!!!!!!! - Sunday, Aug. 17, 2003