mmm. What a day what a day. I woke up this morning with a headache when I realised that I would have to see my father Sunday. Pricks, every man in my life is a prick, and my father is one of the biggest. I hate him. He's a hipocrate, preaching to everyone how he's changed and that his life is so much better without drugs and booze. He still drinks, he still gets high, he still smokes, nothing has changed, and I don't want to be around him. But it's his birthday, so I can't be rude. Then, my mother hints to me that Rod is coming home when he gets out of jail. Doesn't that just tickle my fancy. She thinks he has changed, yeah, just about as much as my father has. It will be so great to have him home, so that he can tell me how fat I am, and how he doesn't like the way I style my hair, and tell me how lazy I am. Then yell at me and tell me what I can and cant' do in "his" house. No. I'm not going to deal with it, I'll move before I put up with his shit again. So I get online, Josh is on. Yes! Josh, someone I can talk to who will make me feel better... no wait, he's just another man in my life, stupid me, I thought he was different! So he tells me I don't listen to him when he says he can't keep a relationship. Well, I thought I listened to him, but obviously not because I don't remember him saying that. I do remember his age, birthday, stupid little conversations where we played twenty questions, and his answers to everyone of them. He washes with Irish Spring, his favorite author is Alex Haley, his favorite ice cream is strawberry, but somehow I forgot something like him telling me he can't keep a relationship. I think it's just me. He can't have a relationship with me. Hell, I know it's me. And that's fine. I don't care. I can move on. My mother wants me to hook up with Thad, haha!! She's so funny. Nothing against Thad, but I just don't find him attractive. You want to know who I do find attractive? Nate Williams. I have had a crush on him since my freshman year, he was in my regional studies class. I never told anyone because I really don't think he would be interested. Which is fine, nothing new for me.

I've lost 12 lbs. Pretty good. It's mostly from me not eating, or when I do eat, it's not very much. I know that the next week is going to put me through an emotional downfall and not eating isn't going to help, but I don't care. I can deal with it. I just stopped crying, yay for me! I still have a headache though, and my eyes are all puffy and gross, and I'm trying to hold everything in, but I'm not shaking yet, so I'll pull through. Well, I think I have written everything I want to say.

PEACE

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� PAST MEMORIES
RIP Bryan - Wednesday, Aug. 20, 2003
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Rahhhhh!!!!!!!!! - Sunday, Aug. 17, 2003